August: it's never busy enough

tl;dr: I moved to Australia alone, started a semester, sat two driving tests, shipped at work under real pressure, and started a hackathon project. The month taught me my fear is loud but narrow.

I arrived in Australia at the beginning of the month, alone, and the semester started almost immediately. No settling-in period. Unpack, enrol, go.

The first thing I did outside of uni was sit the driver knowledge test, and later the hazard perception test, a simulated thing where you watch clips and click when the road turns against you. Small wins, but they made the place feel a little more mine.

Then the semester showed its teeth. A few deadlines landed in the first weeks, which is a strange way to start a term. At the same time my remote work pushed for delivery. This is the most important stretch of the quarter for us. If I do not deliver what they expect, I could be let go when the quarter closes. On top of that, I kick started a hackathon project with a few friends from uni.

So the month was full. And here is the thing I keep learning: we are never busy enough. There is always room for one more commitment. What runs out is not time, it is the quiet in my head.

Because my mind did get messed up. The fear of losing the job was the loudest, and it made sense. That job pays for my daily life here. But loud is not the same as important. The coursework needs me. The hackathon needs me. The friends I am building with need me to show up. Fear just does not know how to rank things, it only knows how to shout.

I started asking a quieter question. If I lose the remote job, can I find work in this country? I do not have the answer yet. Looking for it pushed me into reading about identity, and about what a developer actually owns. Not the employment contract. The work, the writing, the habits, the small body of things with my name on it.

Which is how I ended up back here. This blog is one of those assets. It was still sitting where I left it, waiting.

August was a lot. September will be too. I would rather write through it than not.